Most loving parents have a natural desire to praise their children. However, recently there seems to be a backlash against the praise, particularly on social media. One of my favorite comedians, Taylor Wolfe, highlighted the anti-praise movement in a viral video titled “Teaching My Boomer Mom About Millennial Parenting” (watch it here if you haven’t already). In this video, she instructs her mother not to say “Good job” or “I’m so proud of you,” a request that her mother clearly finds ridiculous. This video is relatable in part because it shows the confusion we all feel around praise.
For those of us who grew up in the “self-esteem craze” of the ’90s, it’s hard to understand what could be wrong with a seemingly benign and loving phrase like “I’m so proud of you.” Enter parenting influencers. Advocates of gentle parenting would argue that this type of praise will cause children to become overly dependent on validation from others and will ultimately reduce their internal motivation to engage in that behavior.
So what does the research really find about praising children? Is it an effective way to encourage children? either Will it make children overly dependent on the approval of others and lack internal motivation? Will phrases like “I’m proud of you” and “Good job” really turn your kids into “praise addicts”?
Research on praise
First, it is important to mention that there is nothing inherently wrong with praise. Praise has long been a tool encouraged by psychologists and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. Most psychologists and researchers consider praise to be an essential part of positive parenting. Research also suggests that praise generally has a positive impact on children, as praise has been associated with better academic performance, a greater likelihood of kind and helpful behavior, and greater social competence. Parental praise is even associated with an increase in brain matter in an area of the brain associated with empathy, conscientiousness, and open-mindedness. We also don’t have any evidence that praise in general decreases intrinsic motivation, and in fact we have evidence that praise can increase intrinsic motivation. However, research does find that as You praise your child is important and that some types of praise may be better than other types of praise. Fortunately, research gives us some guidance on this.
How to praise your child
So how exactly should you praise your children? The research provides the following advice:
- Praise the process, not the person. Praise your child’s effort, strategy, and process, rather than praising traits he can’t change as easily (such as intelligence, athleticism, or beauty). Research finds that “process praise” (translation: praising effort, strategy, and process) improves children’s internal motivation and persistence in the face of challenges. “Person praise” (translation: praising fixed traits associated with the person, such as “you’re so smart/nice/beautiful”) tends to make children more obsessed with their mistakes, give up more easily, and blame themselves. to themselves. Why is this happening? Imagine if your parents had always told you how smart you were and then you just couldn’t understand algebra. You might assume that your parents are wrong and that you’re not really “smart” and decide that there’s no point in even trying because you’re “smart” or “not smart”; It is a fixed trait that you cannot change. You may also be less inclined to challenge yourself (because what if you fail and are no longer considered “smart”) and more likely to cheat to prove that you are “smart?” The pressure to achieve feels overwhelming and out of your control. However, if your parents praised you primarily for how hard you worked in math, you would probably simply work harder if you didn’t understand algebra, completely avoiding the intense pressure and existential crisis of no longer being “smart.”
- Use supportive praise instead of controls. Research suggests that you should avoid using praise that is intended to control your child’s behavior because this type of praise does seem to decrease intrinsic motivation. In other words, the goal of your praise should not be to try to pressure your child into doing what you want him to do. For example, instead of saying, “You are very good at science. “You should be a doctor like me when you grow up,” he says, “You seem to really enjoy science and work hard to understand it.” Be careful with any praise that uses the word “should” or that may make your child feel pressured.
- Avoid praise that compares your child to other children. When you use praise to compare your child to other children, it appears to improve performance in the short term, but In the long term, this practice may lead your children to judge their performance only in relation to other people rather than achieving their own goals or enjoying it themselves. For example, instead of praising your child for being the best soccer player on his team, focus on his own performance. You should be especially careful when comparing your child to his siblings with your praise (e.g., “You’re a better listener than your brother”), since research finds that sibling comparisons are linked to behavioral problems.
- Use specific rather than general praise. Research finds that praise with specific information helps children learn how to improve their behavior in the future. For example, “good job putting the toys back in the trash when you’re done using them” helps children learn a specific expectation. If you simply say “good job” after your child cleans up his toys, he may not know what you mean. However, it’s also important to mention that a recent study found that even general, vague praise (“Yes” in this study) may not undermine perseverance or cause children to view themselves more negatively. The only concern with this type of blanket praise is that it may not give children an idea of how to improve in the future.
- Use gestures as praise. Research also suggests that parents may want to use gestures (high fives, thumbs up) to encourage their children from time to time. Research finds that gestures can even be very effective in improving children’s self-evaluation, that is, their own judgment about how they did it and how they feel about it.
- Combine praise with positive attention. Try using praise with positive attention or a positive nonverbal response (hug, smile, pat, or other type of physical affection). Research finds that this may be the most effective in improving children’s behavior.
- Be sincere with your praise. This last tip may be the most important. Research suggests that when children feel that their parents overpraise or undervalue their performance, they are more likely to experience depression and lower academic performance. Research also finds that overly effusive praise (such as “That’s the most beautiful picture I’ve ever seen”) is associated with children developing low self-esteem, avoiding challenges, and becoming overly reliant on praise.
So, can you say “I’m so proud of you”?
There is no research that specifically examines the impact of telling your children “I’m so proud of you” or even research that compares statements that focus on the child’s self-evaluation versus the adult’s evaluation (such as saying “You seem so happy with this work”). of art” versus “I think your artwork is so beautiful”), so it’s hard to make a specific recommendation on this phrase. However, based on the research we have, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with saying “I’m proud of you.” However, research would suggest that you may want to make sure you are specific (“I’m proud of you for trying so hard to be part of the team”), not focusing on fixed traits (“I’m proud of you for helping the team.”) ” versus “I’m proud of you for helping me”) and that you’re not controlling or pressuring (“I’m so proud that you finally got A’s in math”).
What about “good work”?
Again, there is no research that specifically looks at the phrase “good job.” Based on the research we have, “good work” doesn’t seem to be harmful, but it may not be specific enough. If your child doesn’t know what you mean, he or she may misinterpret or discredit your praise. Additionally, “good job” is often used insincerely. I’m imagining a scenario where your child insists that you watch him do hundreds of handstands in the pool and each time you say “good job” without even looking up from your phone. It is easy to see how this experience would degrade the experience of praising children.
What happens if you don’t praise perfectly?
After reading all of this research, you may feel overwhelmed by all these “praise rules” or guilty about the times you haven’t followed these guidelines. But don’t stress: you don’t have to do it perfectly (and literally no parent has)! Just try to follow these rules as often as you can. Research finds that as long as most of the praise children hear (at least three out of four times) is research-backed praise, children show greater persistence and better self-evaluation. This suggests that even if you forget these rules 1 out of 4 times, there is no reason to worry. So when you slip up and call your child “smart” or offer him an insincere “good job” (and believe me, we have all done), your child will be fine.
Some examples of the type of praise you should use
I can see how hard you worked on that.
