Not all advice is created equal, and it’s essential to filter the feedback you receive. Your family, friends, and loved ones may have the best intentions, but good advice involves more than we think.
For example, if you’re dealing with trauma, someone who hasn’t experienced it may struggle to provide you with meaningful guidance. Similarly, if you’re neurodiverse, a neurotypical person may not fully understand the daily challenges you face. The advice you receive may be unrealistic or simplistic.
Social norms can unintentionally normalize bad advice. You may have heard phrases like “This is how it’s done” and “Don’t fix what ain’t broke.” However, it’s important to remember that past generations who used these phrases may not have had the psychological knowledge we have today, which is continually evolving.
No one has a life manual. So how do you know if the advice you’re receiving is right for you? Find out what shapes advice, how to filter it, and how to offer yourself solid guidance.
Connection is central to our human needs, and seeking advice is a powerful way to strengthen our bond with others. It is advice in difficult times that reaffirms trust in our relationships. Sometimes, we need guidance about our personal experiences or problems, and other times, we need validation for our decisions. As givers, it can make us feel more connected to the person who needs the advice and even influential (Psychology Today).
Why we should be skeptical
Even when suggestions are well-intentioned, they can be biased by both the giver and the receiver. You may have received advice that left you feeling hurt or confused, or that was ignored. It’s critical to evaluate the advice you receive. Here’s what to keep in mind:
- Subjectivity of experience: Each person has a unique perspective through which they view the world, shaped by their personal experiences, upbringing, and cultural context. What works for one person may not work for another.
- Complexity: Life doesn’t follow a linear path, so it’s difficult to have a one-size-fits-all approach to providing advice. Simplistic advice may need to address the particular complexities of your situation.
- Lack of complete information: When we seek advice, we often lack a lot of data and context from everyday life. Without a global view, it is difficult to offer truly beneficial guidance.
- Individual differences: We react differently to challenges and opportunities based on our personality, experiences, values, goals, and upbringing. A recommendation that may be great for someone who takes risks may not be helpful for someone who doesn’t.
- Personal growth and self-discovery: While feedback can be valuable, the best lessons often come from personal experience. Embracing self-reflection and personal growth can allow you to effectively follow advice, promoting deeper learning and growth.
- Cultural and social influences: Every culture has different norms and expectations, which can influence the guidance provided to others. However, societal values and standards evolve, affecting the applicability of what is offered as suggestions.
How to filter tips
To make the most of the feedback you receive, it’s essential to apply a filter. Here are a few ways to do it:
1. Consider the source
What experience or expertise does the person providing advice have in the area you address? Is their advice based on firsthand experience or a solid understanding of the subject matter? Consider personal biases and motivations that might influence the guidance offered. While recommendations from someone who knows us well may seem more personal, they may also be based on that person’s projections or assumptions.
2. Alignment with values and objectives
Does the advice fit your values? You may feel uncomfortable if it doesn’t match your core beliefs. Make sure the opinion fits your short- or long-term goals.
3. Contextual adjustment
Is the guide applicable to your current situation or is it more appropriate for a different time or circumstance? Does it address the specifics of what you are trying to address? General advice will not always fit your particular situation.
4. Control your emotional response
How do you feel after hearing the suggestion? Feelings of resistance, fear, or discomfort can be a sign for you to look deeper. Is your reaction because it challenges you in a positive way or because it simply doesn’t fit? Trust your intuition.
5. Consider practicality
Is the advice realistic and feasible to implement in your life? Some advice may seem sensible in theory, but putting it into practice may drain your resources, time or abilities. Weigh the potential benefits against the risks or costs.
6. Try it
Try to implement the recommendations gradually and safely. You don’t have to accept the advice in its entirety or as is. You can combine it with other approaches or modify it to suit your situation.
7. Reflection
Has similar or previous advice worked well for you, or was it not helpful? As with medical assessments, you can always ask for second opinions from other trusted people or mentors.
What makes a really good piece of advice?
No one can offer 100 percent foolproof advice, but a good suggestion accomplishes several things: it can offer a fresh perspective, provide emotional support, and stimulate self-reflection. Good recommendations combine effective communication, emotional intelligence, and active listening.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
- EmpowermentGood advice encourages introspection and action. It allows you to make decisions that align with your values and goals.
- Active listening: Does the donor fully engage with the speaker’s message and emotional nuances?
- Consideration: Good guidance is balanced with constructive criticism, respect, emotional support and practicality. It is offered with empathy and consideration for your specific needs.
- Respect for limits: Was your autonomy respected? Asking permission to offer input is a sign of respect for your boundaries.
- Tone and delivery: Advice offered with respect and emotional intelligence is likely to resonate more. Consider how advice is communicated.
- Frankness: Did you feel safe talking to this person? Was the exchange of ideas encouraged? Openness fosters trust and mutual respect.
Conclusion
Advice can be a valuable part of human connection, but the expert on your life is you. At its best, suggestions should empower you to grow, reflect, and act in a way that fits your particular circumstances. By filtering advice through the lens of your values, goals, and intuition, you can make decisions that help you on your path. Ultimately, guidance can cultivate the wisdom to listen, filter, and trust yourself.
How to ask for and give advice?
Leave us a comment below. You might be interested in our article on complex PTSD and parenting with trauma.
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